A Not So Politically Correct Holiday Letter From ADwërks-2014

Well, none of our cats had to have penis-ectomies this year, so 2014 has been good. See ya in 2015.


Just kidding. Twenty-fourteen has been rife with change at ADwërks, with plenty of TonicSnowEditedgood fortune, and of course some janky fortune as well. For starters, we lost our dear friend, Monday, in March. The office just wasn’t the same without her – too dry without drool, too dull without a furry friend to pet, and too clean without the occasional accident in Mike’s office. But the good news is that there’s a newcomer to follow in Monday’s paw prints, and her name is Tonic. Jim and Kara welcomed the two-month-old yellow lab in October, and we couldn’t be happier to have her in the office. And since she’s so young and naive, we don’t have to pay her much – the opportunity to gain experience digging used tissues out of the garbage and chewing on ADwërkers’ shoe laces is enough to make her happy.

In addition to Tonic, we welcomed two other employees this year – Caryla Chambers as Cog Whisperer, and Tyler Evans as Defender of Market Share. They’ve both fit in well so far, but the true test will be at the ADwërks Christmas party when Andrew will inevitably have too much to drink and say something inappropriate.

Speaking of inappropriate, you’d think that we have Barry White playing on repeat in the office, because there’s been a lot of baby-making going on. Tyler had a baby boy, Taeson, this spring (his wife did most of the work), Heather gave birth to her daughter Onnika, and Andrew knocked up his wife Jenny, and their baby girl is due in February.

They grow up so fast, don’t they? Jim turned 50 this year, but only after Carol did first, so he wins. Also, Kristi’s son Cooper started middle school; Carol’s youngest daughter Tara started high school, and Carol saw her oldest daughter Tiffany off to college, and we all know what happens there, eh? Sometimes you tear your ACL playing soccer and need surgery, that’s what happens (at least that’s what happened to Tiffany), nothing more. Don’t tell Carol otherwise.

It certainly can be hard on parents to see their children leave the house. Carol was eating carrots in her office and she started getting choked up, and Kristi comforted her with a reverse hug. Oh wait, that’s when she was literally choking on a carrot and Kristi rushed into her office like Pam Anderson in Baywatch to give her the Heimlich, only with more life-saving and less slow motion boob-bouncing. It was truly heroic.

Tiffany wasn’t the only one to have surgery this year; Jolene had surgery on her shoulder, which really interfered with her renowned phone skills. We could have used her hyper-ability to accidentally hang up on people when we got our new phone system. We’re still traumatized by the first few days – the incessant ringing, lights flashing everywhere, people getting parked when they should’ve been transferred, people getting transferred when they should’ve been sent to voicemail, extension numbers shouted out like war cries, it was total chaos.

A couple ADwërkers did some moving this year too. Sara moved all the way from Chicago to Greenville, South Carolina, which is the opposite direction of where we would have liked her to move. However, the city is basically like Sioux Falls but with a southern accent, complete with its own historic downtown, a Falls Park, and probably a bizarro Mayor Huether. And Kara moved from the east side of the office all the way to the west side of the office. It was the 6th time she’s moved within 5 years; she must be going for a record.

ADwërks went through a lot of changes this year, but there is one thing that stands above the rest – it has been revolutionary, totally earth shattering, and utterly life changing, and it’s called Cards Against Humanity. One of our clients gave us the game, and we haven’t been the same ever since. If you’re not familiar, it’s exactly how it sounds. It’s kind of like a mad lib card game except the card combinations can be so hilariously vulgar and obscene, that you’ll question the very concept and miracle of humanity. This is not a game for your grandma, unless your grandma is Betty White. We’ve made the card game an ADwërks weekly tradition; we play it every Friday when we start happy hour.


And this is a tame one.

So, we’ve covered just about every ADwërker, but what about our dear Michael Hay? Last week he had a huge burrito, with red AND green sauce because he really gets into the Christmas spirit.

Have a happy 2015.